“You never know what you have ’till it’s gone.”
I’ve never been too aware to that sentence in few years. Even if I do, I only think of it as “do-not-be-clumsy-in-organizing-thing”. More than that, NO. I didn’t think of losing people around me. Because, at that time, I think everything will be okay.
I’m a kind of person that is shy at first but I can be the craziest person you ever known if we are extremely close. I tend to keep silent and observe people around; not wandering around and busy being an easy-going person. Among all of my relatives, I do not that close to everyone especially if she/he lives in different city.
But I have this one cousin who was my beloved cousin when I was a child. He was 4 years younger than me, and named Wawan. I loved hugging and kissing him almost every time I met him. I visited his house often since he lived with his parents and our grandma. I loved playing everything with him and mostly, we ended up playing on the bed and laughing and then hugging each other funnily..
I tend to be closer to my relatives from my mother’s family. There are a lot of cousins there, so that’s why… But, from my father’s family, the only cousin I’m extremely close with is Wawan. I love him so much. He was my cute lil’ brother. He was so happy, I remember, when he played with the bicycle that was mine before. He loved calling my name and asked me to play together and I would keep laughing seeing his innocent smile..
Times went so fast.
One day, Mom told me that she was going to have a baby. I was so excited. Shortly, my brother was born and I felt like I was the happiest person in the world..
Wawan had a sister, a younger one (a year older than my brother). Think about it, I felt like I was a bad cousin. To be honest, at that time, I hated Wawan’s sister a bit since she made Wawan pay attention to her only, not me..
But then, I realized that having a younger sibling is a happy thing, really. In a second, I found myself being so much happy playing with my lil’ brother only.
… And one day.. Wawan borrowed my CD of Monster Inc Movie (some years after it was released). But then… it got lost. I mean, I had no idea where it was and I believed he had not gave it back to me but he said he had. At that time… I was freaking upset. Monster Inc is my favorite movie and Wawan lost it and that was so sad! 😦
So, it was started: the time when Wawan and I got slightly far away…
Because I’m 4 years older than Wawan, I got to go to JHS and SHS first. I was busy joining the course. I was busy playing with my friends or even falling in a (fake) love. Besides, my mother’s family and relatives are seriously so many… And mostly I played with them. Wawan and I were no longer close..
Well.. Wawan got taller than me quickly. His hair was like mine; wavy. He loved to be unique. He didn’t wear a cool famous blue jeans; he wore a batik-pants. He didn’t wear cool jacket which can make him look great; he wore a blue thick jacket instead.. He didn’t talk much–exactly like me. He got dizzy if going by car in a long time–exactly like me. He was so smart and good at playing guitar–not like me HAHAHA..
Then, one day. my Dad told me that Wawan wanted some books to read.. A book series. My dad of course knows that I’m a big Potterhead–I have all seven books of the series and my dad asked me to lend them to Wawan. At first I refused. I mean, remember the Monster Inc thing? Harry Potter series is important for me and I felt afraid that Wawan would lose them, but then I agreed. All my books of Harry Potter were borrowed by Wawan and tbh, I also felt quite happy because there’ll be another Potterhead in my family…
Time kept going. I got so much busier than before. I live in different town to go to college. Wawan still lives in our hometown.. The last thing I remember is the fact that we found out (through a test) that Wawan suffered from Color Blindness!! That was unexpected.. He was so disappointed. In SHS, there are 3 departments, right? Science, Social, and Language Department. Wawan got confused on what he should choose. He was smart, I told you the truth. He could make it into Science Department but he worried about the college. Students from Science Department would usually take majors like engineering, medical, pharmacy, etc. All of these majors need them to not suffer from color blindness..
Wawan didn’t told me about this but my mom did. She said that Wawan was confused and he was not sure if there are majors in Science in which the students do not have to be free from color blindness. So I went to him right away, and I told him, “It’s okay to choose Science department. You want it, right? Don’t worry about the college and the major. I’ll help you finding the major that doesn’t force you to be free from color blindness. I promise. I’ll make a list and give it to you.”
He nodded. And I saw that cute Wawan in front of me.. The same Wawan that I always hugged and kissed in our childhood..
When I was in SHS I realized my passion in learning English. I decided to take an English Education major in college (even though I picked Science department too), so here I am in an English Education Department. Wawan was still in SHS back then..
Well.. I remember well it was the end of 2012 when I got holidays. I went home to my hometown and prepared a new year celebration with my older sister and my lil’ brother. We were so happy and slept after it passed 00:00 on January 1, 2013..
And at the afternoon, my heart was broken.
My uncle called my dad around 11AM-12PM, letting us know that…. Wawan just passed away due to an accident.
I was so shocked I can’t say a thing. Tears didn’t stop going out from my eyes. All I can think at that time was the time I played the bicycle with Wawan, seriously..
We went to his home, I hugged his lil’ sister. She cried a lot–I didn’t let her go; I kept her in my arm. Wawan’s mother fainted due to the shock..
I remember, at that time, I didn’t go seeing his face for the last time. I stood near his dead body, looking at his body behind a wall and cried.. I could slightly see his hair–just like mine, really..
My sister told me that she felt something unusual before Wawan’s death. Wawan normally would go back to his bedroom after greeting us (or other guests in his house) so we only have a conversation with his parents and our grandma. But few days before that, my sister was surprised seeing Wawan sat next to her after greeting her and tried to have a conversation with her…
At the time my sister told me about this, I realized something. Last night I had a super weird dream. In my dream, there was a boy sat close to me and talked to me about many things.. And I didn’t find myself normal in that dream–I was confused and like “What’s going on? Why does this boy talk much? He’s used to keep silent and didn’t talk this much, right?”
I just… I guess that’s the sign I got before Wawan’s death..
Two days after Wawan’s death, my uncle told me something. Out of nowhere, he said that Wawan originally wanted to move into the Language department. Wawan loved English. But since, he’s already in Science department, he’ll keep in that way.. Right at the time I remember that I hadn’t fulfill my promise to him to give a list of a Science major in the college that do not ask the students to not suffer from color blindness, my uncle told me,
“He always wants to be like you. He told me that he’ll enter language department in the college–then go to an English Education department, exactly like you. He also told me that he has a plan to build an English course with you in the future.. That was his dream..”
I TRIED HARD NOT TO CRY IN FRONT OF MY UNCLE…
It was a big lost, really. In addition, I’ve just lost a cousin a year before Wawan’s death, so that was a terrible time of my life.. Wawan is always my lovely cousin. I feel sorry for him and I regret wasting my time to not keep my close relationship with him, really.. I feel so guilty for being busy and tend to play more with my relatives from my mom’s side.
Some of my cousins from my mom’s side sometimes made fun of him due to his unique style of fashion, but I did nothing to them.. I only said “Stop badmouthing Wawan; he’s also your relative!” I should be angrier to them for making fun of Wawan, right? T^T
It’s been more than a year, but my heart still feels so much hurt.. I always want to…hug and kiss him again.
Wawan, I’m sorry for not caring of you after I got a new brother, after I felt angry because you lose my CD.. Sorry for not being aware of you loving English too.. Sorry for not fulfilling my promise to give you a list of college majors.. Sorry for not knowing that we are totally the same–your sister told me. She said that you were like me, exactly.. You spend much time in front of your laptop in your bedroom, just like me. You got angry easily, just like me..
Wan, in your bedroom, you slept on a bed that used to be mine, did you notice that? I feel so thankful we shared the same bed, even if at the different time..
I’m sorry for not being a good sister and cousin for you.. Sorry for not hugging you and kissing you again.. Sorry for being angry with you about the Monster Inc-CD.. Sorry for not protecting you more than I could do.. Sorry for not seeing your face at your last time, I wasn’t that strong.. Sorry for keep crying remembering you..
Sorry for not growing up together, I hate myself this bad right now..
PS: This is my first time to let this emotion come out of me after a year. I’ve been trying so hard to recover from this big lost but I just can’t. I keep feeling guilty and sad and insecure inside. Things get worse because last week my uncle (my dad’s brother) passed away too..